Chapter 9: "Easy Does It!"

Chapter 9:  "Easy Does It!"

 As I studied the Bible, I began to realize that the fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5: 22-23 are characteristics that God wants each of His children to have. And the list includes gentleness.

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I had interpreted 1 Peter 3: 3-4 all wrong. It says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” A gentle spirit has nothing to do with one’s personality. God created us with great diversity in our personalities, but each of us should have a quiet and gentle spirit. We can be loud on the outside and still be hushed on the inside. The Lord Jesus said that He was “gentle and humble in heart” (Matthew 11: 29, emphasis added). Yet He wanted both boisterous, impetuous Peter as well as loving John to emulate Him. A number of synonyms for gentleness show us that it is not confined to one personality type — words such as kindly, tender, peaceful, compassionate, tolerant, merciful, thoughtful, and considerate. One can be loud and kindly, excitable and tender, bubbling and peaceful, talkative and compassionate, effervescent and considerate.

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Some specific positions and situations demand gentleness.  For instance, Paul to ld Timothy that an overseer must be "gentle, not quarrelsome" (1 Timothy 3:3).  Paul, a leader of leaders, was an example to us of his gentleness toward the Thessalonians, "like a mother caring for her little children" (! Thessalonians 2:7).  But just because we (may) not be overseers, or akin to the apostle Paul, we are not free of responsibility.  We are to pray for God's wisdom (see James 1:5), and gentleness is a quality of that wisdom (see James 3:17).  As servants of the Lord, we are to be gentle toward  everyone (see 2 Timothy 2:24). According to Titus 3:2, we are to be peaceable and gentle to all. 

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 The results of gentle speech are phenomenal! Leaders can be persuaded and hurts can be healed (see Proverbs 25: 15 and 16: 24). The truth that stands out to me is in Proverbs 15: 1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” And it works! Even when your motives are all wrong.

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If we were to analyze all the people we know that we could describe as gentle, some common denominators would be found.  My list would go something like this:

1.  Voice. A gentle person does not scream! A gentle answer turns away wrath partly because the tone must be soft, without rancor, not strident.  (One translation of Proverbs 15:1 uses the word soft.)  For some of us, this may mean asking God for extra control in difficult situations.

2. Facial expressions. An angry countenance, tight lips, a dour look -- all convey a lack of gentleness.

3. Manner. A gentle person is kind, tolerant, and compassionate, thinking of others' feelings before he thinks of his own.

4. Attitude. A gentle person is unbiased, not bigoted, or judgmental. 

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We don't have an option to be gentle. God commands it.   It is a fruit of the Hoy Spirit who indwells us.  We need to ask God for his Spirit to express his gentleness through us.

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How do you define gentleness?

Read 1st Peter 3:3-4.  How do we strive for these attributes in all our lives regardless of gender?

Write 2 Timothy 2:22-24.  write this verse in your own words. 

Think through this last week, were there times your facile expressions, your body language, your tone of voice or perhaps your very words were not gentle?  Who were you with and what spurred you to lose your gentle spirit?

What would make you more gentle?  How do you foster other "Fruit of the Spirit?" 

Chapter 8: "How Can You Say That!"

Chapter 8: "How Can You Say That!"

As we were having lunch together, my friend leaned halfway over the table and dropped her voice. “Carole,” she said earnestly, “if you ever see anything about my life that isn’t right, please tell me. I want you to know I am open to you.” I regarded her thoughtfully. Her sweet smile and intent expression made me realize she was sincere. But I still thought somewhere in the back of my mind, Do you mean that? And echoing along the hallways of my life was the question, When I say that to a friend or loved one, do I mean it? It is probably most difficult to take correction from someone we love. Consciously or unconsciously, we think, If they have observed that ugly thing about me, they must not like me. If they don’t like me, how can they possibly love me the way I long to be loved?

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 Now what about giving reproof? The Bible tells us that we are to “admonish one another” (Colossians 3: 16). Most of us rarely practice that command. We have gone so far overboard on speaking with love that we neglect the fact that we are to speak the truth in love.

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I think one of the greatest “how-to” verses in all of the Scripture on this subject is Galatians 6: 1, which comes to my mind time and again: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.”

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Read Galatians 6:1-6.  What are our instructions when it comes to admonishing one another?  What does it mean to "carry one another's burdens" in this context?  In this verse who are we to Admonish?  What are some sins or wrongs that others may do that are worthy of admonishing?  What does it mean to restore someone or admonish someone gently? 

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The book in the Bible that has the most to say on this subject was written by the wisest man of all time. Solomon admonished, “He who ignores correction despises himself, and he who listens to reproof acquires intelligence." (Proverbs 15:32) …At times it may be necessary to admonish someone about things that are not specific sin. Your child’s rude table manners are not a sin, but you hope to correct them to prepare the child for the expectations of society and to be a positive testimony in the world. You want to help friends with bad grammar (if they ask) and help your spouse overcome a poor habit.

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Read Proverbs 15:31-33.  How does one attain wisdom and personal growth according to these verses? 

Have you ever been corrected by someone other than your parent or boss? 

Have you ever been reproved by another Christian for something related to your Christian Walk?  How did you receive that reproof and/or how did that feel?  Were they right? 

When was the last time you brought something negative to someone else's attention?  Reflect on that moment, did you handle it gently? 

Read Proverbs 9:8-9, 12:15, 15:5 and Galatians 6:.  Write these verses in your own words.

Reflect on a recent time that you had to admonish someone, after reading these verses would you handle it differently?  If so, how?  

Chapter 7 "Lord Help Me To Think!"

Chapter 7 "Lord Help Me To Think!"

Discretion means the quality of being careful or discreet about what one does and says. Discreet, in turn, means to be prudent, tactful, judicious, cautious, circumspect, diplomatic, and polite. Sarcasm falls far short of any of these meanings. My personal definition of discretion is knowing when to speak and when to be quiet. David makes an interesting statement in Psalm 39: 1: “I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence.”

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A discreet person guards his lips, restrains his speech, and muzzles his mouth! One who has discretion has three endearing qualities: That person thinks before speaking, knows when to keep still, and understands when to speak.

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What does it mean to you to "think" before you speak, be "still" and not speak, and "understand when to speak?"  Can you think of a time when you should have thought or kept silent?

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I want to be a woman of knowledge and understanding. But do you know some of the characteristics of such a person? “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” (Proverbs 17: 27-28). When I read that, I thought of what my grandmother used to say: “Better to keep silent and be

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Doing the right or proper thing is part of having discretion both in speech and actions.

As ambassadors for Christ, we need discretion desperately. Part of that discretion is speaking both what is proper and when it is necessary. Martin Luther King once said, “History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.” 3 Silence is often taken for approval. Therefore, when we do not approve, it may be sin not to declare our convictions. The apostle James wrote, “To him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin” (James 4: 17, KJV). I wonder how many times I have sinned by not writing a note of encouragement when God prompted me to do so, by not speaking up for a friend who was being criticized, or by not defending a principle in the arena of untruth.

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What does it mean to you to be discrete? 

Read Proverbs 26:4-5.  Is the author confused?  What do you think these verses mean in your own words?  What can this verse teach us about discretion?

Read Psalm 39:1, Proverbs 10:19, 15:28, and 17:27-28.  Write a few sentences in your own words to summarize how these verses teach us to be prudent and discrete in our speech.  What are three ways these truths could be put into practice in your home or life?

Read Proverbs 5:1-2, how does one gain discretion?  What practical steps can you take this week to gain discretion?  

Chapter 6: "That Makes Me Mad!"

Chapter 6: "That Makes Me Mad!"

The Bible says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Why? “For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1: 19-20). God wants us to live righteously, doing what is right — by God’s standard, not ours. Our anger, God says, is not going to bring about the kind of righteous life He wants us to live. In practice, I’m often slow to hear (one might say “hard of hearing”), quick to speak, and instantly angry. The latter is much more controlled at this point in my life, but the “quick to speak” is too frequent, even yet.

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Let’s look at a couple of the most obvious reasons we are quick to speak and get angry. Many times when I stop to examine why I’m feeling irritated, I discover it is because physically I’m tired or tense, or it’s the difficult time of month; or emotionally my reserves are low; or spiritually I’m drained. The first step, then, is to keep in control while I determine the cause.

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Another reason for anger is that we feel our rights have been violated. Sometimes I get discouraged with how much of me is in me! I want things my own way, in my time frame, at my pace, and at my convenience. 

When I memorized Proverbs 13: 10, the lessons bombarded me. It says, “Only by pride cometh contention” (KJV). I thought, Wait a minute here! Can this possibly mean that whenever I feel contentious, upset, angry, it is due to pride? That’s hard to swallow. So I began to check all my angry feelings against this verse. Pride is an unduly high opinion of yourself; exaggerated self-esteem. It is putting yourself and what you are doing ahead of others and what they are doing.

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But what about you? What is your special nemesis, or downfall? Do you lose your temper when you’ve been cooped up with the kids all day and your husband plunks down to read before supper? Are you grouchy for three days when you don’t get your way? I know people who feel they are being “real” and “open” when they explode and tell someone off in no uncertain terms. Because they are being “honest,” the explosion is justified as being all right. No. It is all wrong. Yes, we need to be honest. Yes, we need to be open. Yes, we need to let others know what we are thinking. But not without being loving, kind, and in control.

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Resolving conflict takes self-control. I may be emotional (I am an emotional person), but if I am out of control, I need to stop and back off until I regain control. …

Some specific questions and guidelines may help us: 

1. Do I have valid cause for conflict? What am I really angry about? Is it merely a bad mood due to something physical that will improve tomorrow? Could it be that I am thinking only of myself?

2. Have both parties defined the conflict? Does everyone clearly know what the issue is? Have we defined the conflict to the other’s satisfaction?

3. Have I clearly stated what I want and need?

4. Talk and compromise until you come to a mutually agreed-upon solution.

5. Keep short accounts. The apostle Paul advises, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4: 26-27). Don’t let more than twenty-four hours pass before resolving a conflict, even if it means coming back to it several times. In the event of a major disagreement, at least agree to discuss it at a specified time in the very near future.

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Read Psalm 4:4, Proverbs 29:22, Ecclesiastes 7:9 and 1 Corinthians 13:4-5.  In your own words what do these passages teach us about our anger? 

When are you most susceptible to anger?  Is it a time of day? Is it a time of the year? Is it after someone has done something specific?  Read Proverbs 15:1, How can we redirect our angry  thoughts and actions according to this verse?

Read Colossians 3:8 and James 1:19-20,  Today, take some time in prayer to confess your anger and ask God to help you become "slow to anger and slow to speak."